Yeah. I’m really not making too many friends yet this month. If you are in a bad mood, don’t read this, I don’t even know if this will be anything more than rambling and venting….
I know Todd may say otherwise, but I try not to “feel sorry”
for myself often. I really don’t have time. I do work full time. My job seems
to have more and more responsibilities and change very frequently. Todd and I
both just had to travel for work in the past 2-3 weeks… so, there really is no
downtime to think of “WHY”?
I don’t even really know where to start my rant about how I
am feeling, other than WHY this can’t be a bit easier? I get I have triplets, I
get I have multiples. Trust me when I say, I remember the heartache of
infertility, and the thought of will we, or will we not have children. I went
through my own grieving for that. This in itself is a different grieving. AND,
let me say if I were going through infertility and read this, I would just hit
the X, and close it and chalk myself up to being a whiner.
So, my litte Grey. Those ears. The ears slid backwards. Back
to drainage, back to hurting, despite no change in treatment.. still on
antibiotics, still on ear drops as well. We are on week 7. We recultured a few
weeks ago and still, ecoli. Can’t be a reinfection, must be still same
infection just hasn’t gone away. I trust our ENT. I wouldn’t have picked him
had I not have known him, seen him in action etc. I worked with him. But,
staying the course wasn’t going to work for me. I demanded to have an
infectious disease consult, and indeed called for another ENT opinion. Great
minds think alike, because that was also the plan he had for us at our next
appointment. He however doesn’t have to see my child get further and further
behind in speech, constantly have his finger in his ears, tell me several times
a day he has “wa-wa” in his ears because he cannot hear well, and they are so
plugged up. That doctor does not go in, in the middle of the night, only to see
a new little spot of blood on his blanket or sheet where his ear has drained,
or see a 2 year old smile when he sees you pick up the ear drops, because I’m
guessing it gives him a bit of relief… no, he doesn’t. I do. We do. And so, a
day late, dollar short. I’m done.
So, our new ENT… Dr. C. Miyamoto(thanks to my mother in law
for calling in a favor and getting us in asap) , and our infection disease
doctor Dr. Belcher have a plan… sort of. Grey did 1 full week of antibiotic
injections in his butt. He is very bruised. Also, he is on another oral
antibiotic that I myself as a nurse, have only given to patients that have had
tuberculosis or meningitis. It’s strong stuff. His CT scan showed lots of scar
tissue in his ear, therefore, not a surprise that his speech is lagging a bit.
Also showed the start of bilateral mastoiditis, and although we are not going
to surgery yet to remove the mastoid bone, that isn’t out of the question in
the future. And, then the real kicker, and I guess the real shocker to me is
that his immunity labs came back having a lower than normal immune system, and
although I won’t know what that all is about until I talk to Dr. Belcher yet
tomorrow, I hope that this is, something that he will overcome when he gets
older, that it’s the answer to the infections, that it will not entail a whole
lot of injections, it will not hold him back for a “normal” toddler life, or
kid life… and then wondering if its because his bowel was resected so young,
and he didn’t get those antibodies because breast milk and formula really wasn’t
absorbed nor given for a long time in his young days. I’m hoping that is the
case.
So, that leaves me just… pissed I guess.
Allow me for just a second to wonder why I can’t just worry
about the petty things that I see others worrying about. Even others with
triplets. Comparing the 3 of them, or how much it changes their life, if they
can still keep up with the Jones’s, am I teaching them enough, do I have enough
structure for them, am I spending enough time for myself… seriously… I’m just
angry. I know, feeling sorry for myself. But my poor kid that just cannot get a
break. I think of how lucky some parents are that don’t have to deal with this,
and those that may think their journey is difficult, or their kids journey is
difficult because of bumps or bruises, or a broken bone, or whatever….
Add to that, my mom had her gallbladder out on Friday, and
today was readmitted to a Ft. Wayne hospital with increased liver enzymes. I
can’t be there, dealing with all that is going on here… Add to that, Lillian
has a sinus infection and ear infection. Add to that Owen was still limping
earlier this week, and has an MRI scheduled next week if still limping… BUT,
perhaps I can cross that off my list, he has gone a few days without limping.
So, maybe I am being a bit dramatic. Maybe I just needed to
type this out and I will feel better. And, I know God will only give you what
you can handle, but at what point can I act as if I cannot handle anymore
instead of just allowing things to pile on and on and on. And, to those that
have a rosy life, can you not handle anything? Or if the biggest thing in your
life is what kind of coffee you are going to have in the morning, seriously,
get a grip. I know we all have issues, but really. I just need a break.
On a positive note, I know it can always be worse. In fact,
we’ve had it worse. In fact, there are people now that I know have it worse.
Perhaps this one long gripe is just asking for all of you to be patient with me,
and to pray for us, all of us. September is an emotional month for the Maurer
family as this is the month of Todd’s brother’s birthday, and also the month
that he died. It’s just….. we really could use some good news, and maybe some
downtime.
I have some pics from our weekend outtings I'll add later when I get time.
I’m not proofreading. Probably should have put that as a
warning rather than a statement… lol J
