Yeah. I’m really not making too many friends yet this month. If you are in a bad mood, don’t read this, I don’t even know if this will be anything more than rambling and venting….
I know Todd may say otherwise, but I try not to “feel sorry” for myself often. I really don’t have time. I do work full time. My job seems to have more and more responsibilities and change very frequently. Todd and I both just had to travel for work in the past 2-3 weeks… so, there really is no downtime to think of “WHY”?
I don’t even really know where to start my rant about how I am feeling, other than WHY this can’t be a bit easier? I get I have triplets, I get I have multiples. Trust me when I say, I remember the heartache of infertility, and the thought of will we, or will we not have children. I went through my own grieving for that. This in itself is a different grieving. AND, let me say if I were going through infertility and read this, I would just hit the X, and close it and chalk myself up to being a whiner.
So, my litte Grey. Those ears. The ears slid backwards. Back to drainage, back to hurting, despite no change in treatment.. still on antibiotics, still on ear drops as well. We are on week 7. We recultured a few weeks ago and still, ecoli. Can’t be a reinfection, must be still same infection just hasn’t gone away. I trust our ENT. I wouldn’t have picked him had I not have known him, seen him in action etc. I worked with him. But, staying the course wasn’t going to work for me. I demanded to have an infectious disease consult, and indeed called for another ENT opinion. Great minds think alike, because that was also the plan he had for us at our next appointment. He however doesn’t have to see my child get further and further behind in speech, constantly have his finger in his ears, tell me several times a day he has “wa-wa” in his ears because he cannot hear well, and they are so plugged up. That doctor does not go in, in the middle of the night, only to see a new little spot of blood on his blanket or sheet where his ear has drained, or see a 2 year old smile when he sees you pick up the ear drops, because I’m guessing it gives him a bit of relief… no, he doesn’t. I do. We do. And so, a day late, dollar short. I’m done.
So, our new ENT… Dr. C. Miyamoto(thanks to my mother in law for calling in a favor and getting us in asap) , and our infection disease doctor Dr. Belcher have a plan… sort of. Grey did 1 full week of antibiotic injections in his butt. He is very bruised. Also, he is on another oral antibiotic that I myself as a nurse, have only given to patients that have had tuberculosis or meningitis. It’s strong stuff. His CT scan showed lots of scar tissue in his ear, therefore, not a surprise that his speech is lagging a bit. Also showed the start of bilateral mastoiditis, and although we are not going to surgery yet to remove the mastoid bone, that isn’t out of the question in the future. And, then the real kicker, and I guess the real shocker to me is that his immunity labs came back having a lower than normal immune system, and although I won’t know what that all is about until I talk to Dr. Belcher yet tomorrow, I hope that this is, something that he will overcome when he gets older, that it’s the answer to the infections, that it will not entail a whole lot of injections, it will not hold him back for a “normal” toddler life, or kid life… and then wondering if its because his bowel was resected so young, and he didn’t get those antibodies because breast milk and formula really wasn’t absorbed nor given for a long time in his young days. I’m hoping that is the case.
So, that leaves me just… pissed I guess.
Allow me for just a second to wonder why I can’t just worry about the petty things that I see others worrying about. Even others with triplets. Comparing the 3 of them, or how much it changes their life, if they can still keep up with the Jones’s, am I teaching them enough, do I have enough structure for them, am I spending enough time for myself… seriously… I’m just angry. I know, feeling sorry for myself. But my poor kid that just cannot get a break. I think of how lucky some parents are that don’t have to deal with this, and those that may think their journey is difficult, or their kids journey is difficult because of bumps or bruises, or a broken bone, or whatever….
Add to that, my mom had her gallbladder out on Friday, and today was readmitted to a Ft. Wayne hospital with increased liver enzymes. I can’t be there, dealing with all that is going on here… Add to that, Lillian has a sinus infection and ear infection. Add to that Owen was still limping earlier this week, and has an MRI scheduled next week if still limping… BUT, perhaps I can cross that off my list, he has gone a few days without limping.
So, maybe I am being a bit dramatic. Maybe I just needed to type this out and I will feel better. And, I know God will only give you what you can handle, but at what point can I act as if I cannot handle anymore instead of just allowing things to pile on and on and on. And, to those that have a rosy life, can you not handle anything? Or if the biggest thing in your life is what kind of coffee you are going to have in the morning, seriously, get a grip. I know we all have issues, but really. I just need a break.
On a positive note, I know it can always be worse. In fact, we’ve had it worse. In fact, there are people now that I know have it worse. Perhaps this one long gripe is just asking for all of you to be patient with me, and to pray for us, all of us. September is an emotional month for the Maurer family as this is the month of Todd’s brother’s birthday, and also the month that he died. It’s just….. we really could use some good news, and maybe some downtime.
I have some pics from our weekend outtings I'll add later when I get time.
I’m not proofreading. Probably should have put that as a warning rather than a statement… lol J