ups and downs

Today was another day of ups and downs.
All 3 kids got their eyes examined. Things look good there. Lillian and Owen didn't do too great taking their bottles today, I think their exam wore them out! The criteria from what I understand to discharge from the hospital, is no "alarms" such as oxygen going low, or heart rate going low for 7 days, as well as taking 24 hours of 100% of their bottles, and a few days of "ad lib" feeding, meaning they feed when they cry out for it. We're not there yet... but that's ok, we'll get there.
Grey had somewhat of a setback today. He is back on the CPAP oxygen.... he hates it. It scrunches up his nose and face. He was working too hard to breathe today, and needed a little extra help. Brooke, Lilly's primary nurse, came over today to chat... and made me feel a lot better. She said that "When Grey is doing bad, he does really bad, in a really big hurry.... this is just a rest for him so he can fight the infection..." I likely misquoted that, but you get the picture. She is right. I pray that this isn't another setback that is a really big setback. CPAP really is no big deal, he just hates it. They did draw another set of blood cultures today to make sure nothing is hiding. He continues to be on "big gun" antibiotics. Tonight, I just called and his last blood gas looked good, so he is oxygenating well and they started some breathing treatments for him. I think the treatments help.... they have before.
So again, another day of uncertainty. I felt like Grey looked better today. Even though he cried alot, and sucked on his fingers everytime I was looking in his isolette.... his color looked good, and his belly didn't look as distended as it has in the past few days.
Can you tell it's hard for me to be a mommy, instead of a nurse? I am constantly having to remind myself that there are plenty of people that don't have a medical background, and their kids survive the NICU. Don't get me wrong, we cannot ask for better medical staff and nurses there, we simply just cannot. I sometimes wonder if I was as caring when I worked with my patients both in the ICU and in transplant as these nurses are to our babies. I just don't know.
Please continue to keep us all in your prayers.